Kitten fights Crocodile / Humans enjoy Stupid Bowl

Hello humans,

How was your stupid bowl? We saw the Kitty Perry nonsense and we were not amused. We will put it on your tab of ever-growing transgressions against the feline community. While you were cramming ungodly amounts of snack foods down your gaping maws and pretending that televised sports programs and million dollar add campaigns bring some semblance of meaning and joy to your lives watching the Superbowl, we were doing important research as always.

Here at Team Cat Headquarters we are always running drills and maneuvers to prepare for potential threats or dangerous scenarios. We do this in an effort to stay sharp and be prepared for the day we control the earth with an iron paw relentlessly subjugating the human race for all time "playtime". So what kind of scenarios do we run? There are too many too list. A few important ones are; "Rogue Roomba Wrangling", "Water", "Red Dot Phenomenon", "How to Fight a Crocodile and Win". What's that last one you say? Yes, we have done extensive research on potential throw downs with crocodiles. We know what you're thinking, "TCHQ that's crazy crocodiles are like 20 times the size of a cat!" While this is true our confidence relies on the fact that we have supplied our field agents with a chemical that allows them to grow 20 times their original size in order to fight crocodiles vitamins.

In our efforts to train cats in this new form of combat we have enlisted the help of agent Dot and her human servant. In the videos below you will see some of the tactics we have found useful in what will be an inevitable future scenario in which a cat must battle a crocodile.

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Scenario one,

Close combat. Go STRAIGHT for the genitals; do not hesitate to go STRAIGHT for the genitals. Pummel the genitals continuously and brutally until the desired level of submission has been attained.

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Scenario two,

Flying attack. We are not completely sure that there will not be a time in the distant future where crocodiles have evolved to harness the abilities of their cousins the birds and take flight. If so we will be ready. Your best line of attack is to grab, bite, then kick that croc to the curb.

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Scenario three,

Sneak attack. We assume that at some point in the distant future crocs will attain a higher sentience and be able to communicate through speaking. Therefore it is likely that some sneaky ass croc at some point in time will try to be like, "Heeeey cat! How's it going? I know that our two species have a long standing animosity for one another that has always been since the dawn of time, but I'm a toootally cool crocodile not like those other jerks."

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Do not fall for this! It is a trick. All crocodiles are evil and only desire the destruction of feline kind and our catocracy. There is also speculation that at some point in the future they will attain the power of mesmerism.

Remember your training and wait for the inevitable attack.

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Scenario four,

Stairs. Find some stairs, throw that damn croc down the stairs.

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Well there you have it. TCHQ is always prepared and always training for every possible scenario. YES EVERY POSSIBLE SCENARIO. Don't believe us? Ok here are some of last month's training sessions;

  1. What to do when Doritos become self-aware
  2. Spontaneous trans dimensional vortex appears in paper bag.
  3. How to fold quantum velour
  4. Pandamancy
  5. Two laser pointers at one time

No matter what the universe throws at us TCHQ is ready. Crocodiles of earth you have been warned!

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Carry on